There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
