he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
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Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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