i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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