genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
