I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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