Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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