And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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