Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
