can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
