We're like a lot better than the average bears
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
