3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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