Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
