Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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