Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.