Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
