I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
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Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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