He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
