Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
