tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
