I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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