im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.