Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
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He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
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She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.