I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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