Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
