we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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