1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
