dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
