So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
