Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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