were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
