Got a toothbrush?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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