I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm eating all of the evidence.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
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YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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