i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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