I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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