i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
