I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
