New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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