Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
