this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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