morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
