I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
