don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
