I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I deserve this hangover.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
