you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
it's like iHOP with fire
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Pants are for mortals
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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