Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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