I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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