The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
we're so committed to being not committed
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
