God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize