My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
