Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
