i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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