I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
