I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
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I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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