Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
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SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police