My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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