Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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