i wish starbucks made bloody marys
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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