I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
