I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
