I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
