Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
