A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
