my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
